I have had these thoughts running through my head so many times and have been trying to find the words to type it out so it makes sense to those who may read this. Maybe only those who have been through an eating disorder will understand or maybe not. I’m not really sure. I find myself struggling and thought I would take a moment to be vulnerable. Show everyone I am human. I am not perfect and there are days that I struggle.
Yes, I overcame an eating disorder and I am proud to say that. What people don’t understand sometimes is that it can be hard some days. There are times when I am down on myself and these thoughts of how I don’t have the "perfect body", I should workout more, or eat less run through my mind… but then I have to consciously stop myself… I stop and make the choice to be healthy and love myself. I make the choice to keep following the road I am on to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I have been working out and eating healthy and you may think this is easy for me but what you don’t know is how hard it can be to find balance sometimes. When I am working out there are days when I have to consciously tell myself that what I am doing is okay because I ate today and I am doing this to be healthy and fit. Cutting out junk food and sweets can be hard because that’s how my eating disorder started back in high school. Now, I don’t deprive myself from all of the good stuff (Sorry Rita). One reason I don’t is because IT’S GOOD and the other reason is, it can be scary. When I notice myself saying “I shouldn’t eat that” in my thoughts, it takes me back to my eating disorder. There is a difference though, I am saying this about fast food, Oreos, candy etc...foods that don’t help on the road to fitness! Before it was every single meal. There is this balance between knowing that what I am doing is to become fit in a healthy way and knowing I am not taking it too far.
Then there’s the people who make me question myself and what I am doing. I ran somewhere the other day and when I walked in the door, someone made the comment “you don’t need to run or workout, you’re already thin”. Last week, I was at the gym and had two people say “Why are you here?!” like I didn’t belong in the gym. These comments can really affect someone and their fitness journey. It’s definitely affected mine! It makes me question myself like, “Wait, I am doing this healthy lifestyle thing right?” or “Should I not be working out?”, “Are other people at the gym thinking the same thing about me?”. Yes, I may be naturally thin but I am trying to make the right choices to be a healthier and happier version of myself. I am on this journey to be fit and overall, feel better physically and emotionally each day. I have to be confident in myself and the choices I am making each day regardless of the comments people say! I am confident!
I refuse to stop making the choice. I will keep the balance. I am going to stay confident.
Find the Beauty,