Good Morning Johannah,
Time to wake up! Another day to strengthen that fear of becoming fat. Oh, you need to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth? Well first, stop. Stop and look in the mirror. Pull up your shirt and look at the size of your waste. Do you want it getting any bigger than that? I didn't think so. Now... put your feet together and look at the size of your thighs. Very good. I can see that sandwich you ate last night, can't you?
Ahh, breakfast time. Your stomach is telling your hungry but I'm telling you that you're not. You don't need the pancakes, bacon, cereal, or a granola bar for that matter. You can still see what you ate on your body from yesterday. Lets not add on to that. Let's go about this Saturday and try to act like I don't exist. Which we both know it impossible but It'll be fun for me and a living hell for you. That's one of my hobbies, making your life miserable.
I'm going to control you. I'm going to take over your life. You're going to listen to me and only me. If you try to listen to anyone else, they won't understand. They'll make you gain weight. They will shove food down your throat, is that what you want? No, so listen to me. I am going to take over your daily life. I'm going to take your energy, your confidence, your health, your hair, your ability to see yourself as everyone else does. That doesn't sound fun to you? Well would you rather be fat? Yeah, that's what I thought.
So, you have a basketball game today? Mom wants you to eat that sandwich before you can go into the school. Alright, I'll cut you a deal. You can eat half of the sandwich but not the crust. That's enough to put something in your stomach and please your mom but not enough to make you fat. Why are you self-concious to get undressed in the locker room? You're skinny, that's what you want right? Oh.... I know... It's that one girl who makes the rude comments and pinches your waste calling you "so skinny" in that baby voice. Well take it as compliment, at the end of the day, at least she isn't calling you fat. You ask your mom to go and hang out with your friends after the game and she proceeds to tell you, "your not going anywhere until you eat something, I saw the other half of your sandwich in the trash can". All of this happening in front of your friends. That sad and disappointed look on your face satisfies me.
You can't get rid of me. While no one else in this world is understanding nor being here for you... I am. I will always be here. As much as you want to stop doing this to yourself, I won't let you. Your family may be trying to help and a few friends here and there, but I'll never go away. Ever. Family, friends, sports, college... none of these have helped you. I may have disappeared a couple times but I'm always going to be here.
So, how is a pageant thing your doing going to help you? You can't be serious. Miss Iowa is not going to save you, you're kidding yourself if you beleive that! Well fine, go ahead and try, it's not going to work. You really think gaining your confidence back and finding the person you want to be is going to help you? You believe inspiring others by sharing your struggle with myself, is going to keep from listening to me?
..... It has? What do mean it has?
Johannah's Eating Disorder
I'm sorry if that was a little too much for some of you. But that's one of the best ways I can put it into persepective for you. It wasn't easy, especially when I decided to stop listening. I want to thank the Miss Iowa Program for motivating me, giving me this opportunity, and helping me truly finding myself. My friends who held and keep holding me accountable. Your friendship and unconditional love never go unnoticed. To my family for being the first to acknowledge I had a problem. To my mom and dad, who I know were in denial but tried their best to help and understand every day and continue to support me in every step I take. To my sisters(in-laws), who even though they didn't know it, gave me a goal to reach and that was to be just like them. I can only hope I grow up to be half the people they are. To my brothers, who always saw and still see the best in me and taught me how to be tough and work hard for what I want.
Everyting has beauty but not everyone can see it. I couldn't see my own beauty at the time but everyone else could and without them I would have never been able to find it myself.